Being... emotional and alone...

Sometimes I am just speechless... I don't really know what to say. I am tired of being hurt.. tired of being looked over... I wonder if I am overreacting? Maybe... probably. I know one thing for sure: the people who I am so worried about sure aren't worried about me! 

Asking God for healing in this area of my life. That ragged spirit of rejection continues to plague me... I want so badly to be rid of it. Praying for healing... and praying that I can move on. 

Am I meant to be friendless? Does anyone care? This season of isolation seems like it is lasting a LIFETIME... 

My old friends have forgotten about me... and my new ones, well... not even sure if we were ever friends. I have been dumped SOOO many times. The only thing that consoles me is that I know God will never leave me. Even when I feel so far away from Him, He always sends a reminder that He loves me. I am just going to throw myself into Him. Maybe He will change me into a likable person. Apparently, I am not good enough to be anyone's friend. 

No matter how much I pray for God to remove people that don't need to be in my life, and bring those that do, I am still alone. No phone calls, no texts... no one to pray with. No one to laugh with... 

Not sure what this lesson is, but I sure do hope I learn it soon... 

Stuck!

Ever felt stuck? I mean, like no matter what you do or what changes you make, nothing seems to change much? I feel that way tonight. Well, I feel that way about our financial situation. It seems like nothing we do works. We always have enough, thank God. He has truly kept us over these last few years. But outside of having enough, it is hard for us to see any advancement.

There are times when I feel that I should just be happy that we have enough to pay the bills. Most people don't have that these days. But then again, there are days when I feel guilty for accepting our situation... for not desiring for more.

I often wonder what God feels about our situation. Does He want us to abound and be prosperous, having more than just enough? When He looks at us, does He think, "My daughter, I want more for you and your family." Or, does He look at me and say, "This little ungrateful child of mine. I give you enough, and you still want MORE?"

That uncertainty has led me to be stuck. I go back and forth between these feelings. I have yet to really seek God and ask Him what He wants for our financial situation. My hubby and  have made SOOOOO many mistakes... there are days when we feel like we should just accept the consequences for our action; then there are days when we are begging God for His intervention.

There has to be something that we are to learn from this, right? We have repented so many times. God, I'm sorry! I don't know what else we should say or do. We need Your assistance! Tell us what to do to get out of this! And yet... there seems to be a slight struggle on our end.

*sigh*

My hubby and I definitely need to go back to prayer on this one. We need some direction, and I don't want to lean on my own understanding for this matter anymore. God will show us the way, even if I feel stuck right now. I am trusting in Him.

This is me... BEING...STUCK!

Believing What God Promised!

I had a moment of weakness today. My son has eczema, and he is going through a tough breakout this weekend. Usually, this wouldn't bother me as much because if it got too bad for over-the-counter creams, I would swing him by the doctor and get some meds...however, since I went part-time, I have lost my insurance benefits. I was frustrated because I know God spoke divine healing and health over my family, yet, here my son is with a bad breakout today. After my weak moment, I felt like crying. I was upset, guilty, etc. I know better than this, but I just had a moment.

I think I was having an issue because I spend all day on yesterday looking at health insurance plans, and everything is SO expensive. I tell ya, I just felt defeated. Did I make a mistake by going part-time? I thought sure I heard from the Lord on this. I had so much peace about it... until I saw the prices of insurance plans for myself and my family. I felt sick to my stomach. God, how in the WORLD are we supposed to afford this? I just didn't understand it all. I know I need to take it to God... I know this. And I will... I just couldn't react the way I wanted to on yesterday and today because my hubby and son were sitting there staring in mu face. But as soon as my son falls asleep tonight, you better believe I will be laid out on my face in worship. I feel it. Even in church today, I felt like just spending time with Him.

I was getting my son ready for bed tonight and I mentioned to him that we were going to pray for his healing from eczema tonight. He asked what I would pray for, and I told him complete healing, that he doesn't itch, and that his breakouts would go away. He says, "But mom, that's impossible!" And I instinctively said, "With God, all things are possible! God can do anything!" And then I was EXTREMELY convicted because as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I heard the Holy Spirit say, "Do YOU believe that?"

I want to believe... Lord, help my unbelief! As my son and I prayed tonight, I thought about the promise of diving healing and health that God spoke during the time He told me to go part-time. If God said it, why in the world and I struggling with this? At this very moment that I am typing this, I have decided to expect miracles! I don't know how, or when, but God is going to do what He promised. I ask right now that the Lord strengthen me... for when I am weak, He is strong! His word cannot return to Him void...

2 Corinthians 1:20
For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us.

This is me... believing what God promised!

90 Day Bible Challege

I started a bible reading challenge on yesterday. For the next 90 days, I have agreed to do the following:

• Read selected scriptures daily.
• Pray/Read/Meditate/Study for at least two hours out of the day.
• Fast every Wednesday from 6am-12pm.
• Post a discussion/blog every Friday about any challenges, concerns, revelations that I have received that week.

Seems easy enough, since most of this we should be doing on our own anyway. But I tell you, I have an issue with follow-through. I can't tell you how many things I have started and stopped for no specific reason other than I was tired of doing it. Let's hope that this time will be different. I want to commit to it... but I know myself. I am hoping to push through the thoughts of stopping this time. I mean, Jesus said no one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God. So many of my toes were stepped on in that one statement. Help me Lord Jesus... I want to commit myself to this. Hopefully, this challenge will jump start a lifelong journey of reading and spending time with God every day.

Pushing Through The Uncertainty

Mountaintops and valleys...

The day to day struggle to keep your eyes on Christ is enough to make you run to those hills that Psalm 121 talks about. I tell ya, the enemy stays on the job. Truth be told, I don't believe the enemy is doing that great of a job. It seems as if he only needs to send a suggestion, and WHAM, our mind grabs hold of that suggestion and forms a whole line of thinking with it. I guess that is the importance of casting every thought (imagination/high thing) that exalts itself against the knowledge of Christ. 

For some reason, I am always fighting this uncertainty... did I really hear from the Lord? Did I make the right decision? What if... I question myself so much, that I talk myself out of doing anything. There are times when God wants us to be still, but I am sure that God does NOT want us to be stagnant. 

These are the times when maturity steps in and reminds us that God's word is a lamp unto our feet, a light unto our path (Psalm 119: 105). During times of uncertainty, we should delve deeper into the Word of God, trusting that He will speak and confirm His will through what we read. We must remain sensitive to what God is speaking in the atmosphere.

So, now that I know better, I must do better.

This is me... pushing through the uncertainty!  

Challenged In My Thinking

Have you ever prayed about something and forgot what you asked for? Years ago, I remember asking God for a position at work that would be created just for me... asking for my own office. Today, years after I prayed that prayer, I found myself walking that prayer out. Even though it took years to manifest, it still happened...

This made me wonder... what other prayers have I prayed and have given up on because it took too long? I mean, are there random prayers hanging out there that I have forgotten about? What happens to prayers that we think God never heard? How does God keep us encouraged as we wait for Him to make things appear? I have so many questions... yet, I feel at peace with what God is doing. Is it okay for me to have questions about God and His process? I can remember being reared to never ask God questions because if you question something, that means that you don't believe.

I am beginning to think that line of teaching may not be true in all cases. I understand how it appears that questioning something can look like unbelief. But, I can also see where asking questions is a way of trying to get a better understanding. I only know a little about God, but I don't see Him being peed off about me asking a question or two. I think He is big enough to handle a little question from me, right? I know there are things about God and His plan that I can't possibly understand, but I believe God also beckons us to come closer... and I am sure that he expects us to question things, not out of disbelief, but out of pure wonder and amazement! I am really starting to rethink everything that I was ever taught about God... sometimes I think that God wants this to happen so that we can begin to seek Him with a clean slate. Learn about Him from scratch. What could possibly be wrong with that? I'm being challenged to seek God for everything...

This is me... BEING... challenged in my thinking!

How Deeply I Need You Shekinah

BEING... Obedient

So, things are surely beginning to fall in line. Too bad I don't really know what line they are in. I am in transition... I know this because EVERY thing is changing right before my eyes. I am watching God move and shift things. The ground I stand on seems very shaky at times, yet... I have SO much peace! I am literally standing here and I see things moving, but there is no anxiety, no worry, and no stumbling. Everything is changing, but there is no uncertainty... I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be. The bible does say that the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord.

One thing that I am sure I heard God say, is to delve deeper into writing. I have been trying this writing thing for a while now. Well, I have been thinking about it for a while now. I have to be honest and say that I haven't really been motivated enough to actually write much.

Why is the first step so hard? Why are there still fears? Even after I have seen God move on my behalf, why is it such a struggle to even pursue this writing thing? The most I have done is start blogging... and I can admit that I don't even take this as serious as I should. I tell you, the enemy doesn't have to do much to discourage me from writing. All he has to do is plant a simple seed in my mind that my writing will never be noticed by anyone, and boom, my laziness and uncertainty takes over and does the rest of the work for him...

*Sigh*....

Ok, clearly if I know how the enemy operates, I should be on guard against this, right? The mature Christian would have put on her armor and fought these thoughts of discouragement off. That says a lot about me. I know these things, and yet, I let them come in.

In my defense, I will say that even though I have doubts, I am moving forward in the things of Christ. I feel a beckoning to jump into writing, so I am doing it. I am praying that my obedience to His leading will count for something. I am putting forth the effort to obey Him.... and hoping that He will bless the work of my hands. To be honest, I am not even sure of what to pray for when it comes to writing... I don't exactly know where this is headed. But as long as He gets the glory... right?

This is me... BEING... obedient.

BEING... Thankful

I am just thankful to God right now... you see, He truly does perfect that which concerns us. Last month, I was frustrated that I didn't have time to do things for my son. I remember praying and asking for God to step in. Here I am today, with a new part-time position with Human Resources. Getting paid at the same hourly rate as my full time position. I get to choose my own hours, and when school starts back, I get to pick my son up from school! I tell you, when God shows up, He shows out! I am almost certain there will be more blessings to add to this post, but I just wanted to take a quick moment to shout HALLELUJAH to our wonderful Father!

This is me... BEING... thankful!  

YOU ARE GOD ALONE, Philips, Craig and Dean

No Sweeter Name - Kari Jobe

BEING...Transparent

Ever wondered what it would be like to really know who you are in God? To really understand what His thought and purpose for crafting you into existence was? I often wonder about this... I sometimes will sit and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal some of the Father's thoughts towards me, which is a very scary thought for me! You see, I've only had bad experiences with earthly fathers. They all left in some way, shape, or form. My bio didn't stick around, and when he finally found interest in me, he died. My step didn't like me, and he died too. The figure that walked me down the aisle on my wedding day ended up leaving our church. So, when I think "father," I don't really have a good experience that comes to mind.

I see God as the "big guy in the sky." After all, He has the whole world in His hands, right? Surely He doesn't have time to think of little ol' me. Because of this thought process, I have had a very distant relationship with God. I know He exists, but does He really care about my day to day life... probably not. I talk to Him occasionally... think about Him a little more than that; envying His relationships with my brothers and sisters, but yet... I can never really trust him enough to come through... for me.

Wait... am I talking about my earthly father or God here? I can't seem to distinguish between the two...

I get to the point where I fall in love with my Father, who art in heaven... then my memories overtake me and escort my emotions back down to earth. I have to continually tell myself that I have a Father in heaven whose love has never failed me. He has kept me from dangers seen and unseen... saved my life a few times. Blessed me with a wonderful Godly husband and a beautiful son... yet, there are still days where I wonder how He feels about me? I know what the bible says... I just have a hard time believing it. I know His word is true... I have to make myself believe it. I see so much irony in the fact that God is a father... yet, none of my earthly "fathers" have ever demonstrated this fatherly love for me. So, now I am an adult female seeking the love of Christ, but not quite believing that He cares for me...

This is me... BEING.... transparent.